Decisions, Decisions: How To Help Your Child Weather Rejection

As an independent educational consultant, part of my job is to help my students gain acceptance to colleges.  Some independent educational consultants would tweak this definition.  Our job is to “help students gain acceptance to their dream colleges.”  Of course, it’s wonderful when this happens.  I’ve had several students accepted to Harvard (my own alma mater), Princeton, Stanford, and other top twenty schools.

However, it’s also part of the job of an independent educational consultant to steer a child toward growth.  Sometimes, that means counseling the student who only wants to apply to all eight Ivy League colleges.  Asking them to pinpoint what will make them happy might convince them to substitute an Ivy or two for a target or likely college.  Other times, my job requires me to coax an insecure senior to add some “reach schools” to their list.  Either way, the ultimate goal of any balanced college list is to yield some acceptances and some rejections.

Most independent educational consultants would agree that a list that yields no acceptances needed more “target” and “likelies.”  (Sadly, this happens, as in this case of a student profiled by The Wall Street Journal who scored 1550 on her SAT, but earned rejections from every college to which she applied.)  But in this independent educational consultant’s humble opinion, a well-balanced list should include at least one rejection.  If you’ve batted a 1000, your list lacked reach.  As a parent, how do you help your child handle rejection? Since we’re entering decision season, I’d like to share three tips for parents of high school seniors waiting on bated breaths….

Image by @jeshoots on Unsplash

Independent Educational Consultant Tip #1: Allow Your Child To Be Sad

It’s hard to receive a rejection email from your dream college – especially when TikTok brims with countless videos of accepted students’ elation.  Acknowledge your child’s feelings of disappointment with statements like, “I know how sad you are right now,” or “I’m so sad for you.”  In the first couple of weeks, try to stick to empathizing with their emotions rather than steering them to the half-full glass (see Tip #3 for that).

Independent Educational Consultant Tip #2: Keep Your Own Anger at Bay

As parents, you put a lot of your own energy and hopes into your child’s application process.  You dream of their future happiness at their dream school.  So it’s easy for you to have your own feelings of disappointment about the rejection. Nevertheless, statements like, “They don’t know what they’re missing!” or “How could they reject you?  You’re way more qualified than so-and-so who got accepted!” are best uttered to your partner, a friend, or a therapist.  It’s possible your child won’t agree with you or that they’re already thinking these unproductive thoughts. More importantly, reactions of anger or comparison with other students won’t necessarily move your child along to acceptance (see Tip #3).

Some clouds even have gold linings. Image by @srinii on Unsplash.

Independent Educational Consultant Tip #3: Help Them See the Bright Side of Where They Were Accepted

As I mentioned in Tip #1, don’t move the conversation here until two weeks after the rejection.  Once the initial sting begins to wear off, though, it can be helpful to remind your child of why they chose those schools to which they were accepted.  If it’s in your budget, visit those schools to gain clarity about where they should commit. Tour them to help your child get excited about the fall.

Conclusion

Independent educational consultants feel sad for our students when they receive rejections, too.  But we know that they’re an inevitable part of the college application process – and of life, in general.  Taking a moment to consider  how you might react if your child reads that unfortunate email can help you model how they deal with future rejections. Your reaction can also positively influence how they view whatever college they enroll in this fall.

If you need help navigating the decisions process – or if you’re the parent of a 9th – 11th grader and want to start planning the best possible application – please feel free to reach out to me here.