What to say when college decisions arrive
“March rolls in like a lion, out like a lamb,” so the saying goes. For students awaiting college admissions decisions, however, March turns them into lambs and colleges into Big Bad Wolves. Some lucky students will leave March like proud lions. We’re happy for and proud of them! If last year’s admissions rollercoaster is any guide, though, it’s likely that most students will experience some rejection this March. As a college essay coach and someone who cares about kids, here’s my list of top five things to say – and refrain from saying – this spring if you’ve got a high school senior or know someone who does.
Don’t express anger or resentment to your child if their dream school didn’t accept them.
Your child needs room to feel their own sadness, disappointment, or anger about the rejection. Adding your own emotions to their mix might stifle their own processing. Moreover, they might feel as though they are the cause of your anger. If you need to work through your own feelings of resentment – and you’re allowed to have them! – speak to a trusted friend, a spouse, or a therapist.
Do express your joy about the acceptances.
If your child built a balanced college list, they did get accepted to plenty of good schools. (If you’ve got a younger teen at home now, check out my webinar on how to craft a smart college list on YouTube or live on March 15.) Especially if their dream school passed on them, teens need to hear how big their accomplishments are. Show them how wonderful going to one of the lucky schools that did accept them will be. As a college essay coach, I’m constantly telling families that college is what you make of it. You can have a great experience at a community college and a terrible experience at Harvard!
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3. Don’t center every conversation with other parents around college decisions.
Unfortunately, as a college essay coach, I’ve noticed that some of the admissions madness originates with parents. Try to avoid equating a child’s acceptance to an Ivy League school with “good parenting.” (And definitely don’t equate a student’s decision to attend a less prestigious school with “bad parenting”!) When possible, focus conversations about your seniors on their sports, performances, prom, and the other events and interests that make them whole people.
4. Do encourage your child to continue doing the things they love.
While working with a boy as a college essay coach this December, I gained rare insight into his world. As news of other students’ college decisions filled the hallways of his competitive high school last March, he felt ostracized. He’d decided to take a gap year. But the same feelings might arise in students who opt to attend a less prestigious university than those chosen by their peers. Filled with shame, the student whom I helped as a college essay coach retreated from social situations. This retreat worsened his sense of isolation, fueling a downward emotional spiral. He acknowledged that had he maintained his relationships with friends and continued pursuing his interests outside school, his depression would not have been nearly so bad. As adults, we can coax and even lead the young people in our lives toward what makes them feel good during a time that can be difficult for many of them.
Photo by Ben Duchac on Unsplash
5. Do get excited about the school they eventually decide to attend.
Even if this school was number four on their list, thousands of other young adults have had the time of their lives there! Buy school swag. Make a(nother) college visit there. (Join my April 5 webinar on college tours if you’re going!) Join an online group for parents of that college’s student body and encourage your child to do the same for current students. In short, nurture the school spirit that they’ll eventually come to adopt as their own!
Got any other tips for parents you’d like to share? Drop them in the Comments below!