Communication Tips for Parents

by Hope Mirlis, A More Perfect Union 

As a premarital counselor, I work with couples on strengthening their relationships. Every couple is different and has different needs. However, every couple needs to talk through communication. I use a few approaches, but the one I use the most is called Nonviolent Communication or NVC.

I encourage my couples to get really skilled in the communication tools I share, so they can use them not only in their partnerships, but outside of their romantic relationships, as well. I’ve had one couple like it so much that they asked me to guide a group of their friends to discuss communication in the workplace. Then, one of my grooms asked me to guide a session for him and his sisters.

Needless to say, NVC can be easily translated for parent/teacher and parent/child communication. Best of all, the person you’re speaking with does not need to know what NVC is or how it works!

Image by Christina @wocintechchat on Unsplash

What is NVC?

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is an approach to communication based on principles of nonviolence. Therefore, it can also be viewed as a spiritual practice that helps us see our common humanity - using our power in a way that honors everyone's needs. But primarily I use it as a concrete set of skills which help us gather facts through observing without judgement.

This approach was developed by clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the late 1960s with the goal of creating empathy in conversation. The idea is that once there is empathy between the parties in the conversation, it will be much easier to talk about a solution which satisfies all parties' fundamental needs.

NVC in Practice

NVC is a 4-step process:

1.   Observation - What you see, experience or notice

2.   Feeling - How it makes you feel

3.   Need - The need you have that is (or is not) being met based on your feeling

4.   Request - What you would like the other person to do, knowing the items above

The first 3 are personal to YOU. The final step includes the person with whom you are speaking. This may not be how we currently communicate, so here’s a helpful model to get you started.

•  When I see that ______________

•  I feel ______________

•  because my need for ________________ is/is not met.

•  Would you be willing to __________________?

So, this is how it can be used in a parent/child conversation.

“When I see that you’re on your phone so often, I feel angry/unhappy.

My need for safety/connection/reducing screen time is not being met.

Would you be willing to put your phone away after dinner/set a timer so you’re only on social media for XX minutes a day/find something fun to do with me in the evening?”

Please note that the request is not a demand. There is no finger pointing or insistence that someone do something or “should do” something. I know that when someone tells me what do, I want to dig my heels in and not do whatever they are asking. I’m sure your kids may feel that, too.

The request is worded in a such a way to receive a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. So, the person you’re speaking with can feel like their feelings and needs matter, too. But if it’s clear how you feel and what you need, perhaps they may will make a counteroffer with something even better. In any case, the request section is where the conversation starts. It’s where you can negotiate and find common ground in a compassionate way.

Sometimes kids need a little coaxing and support. Therefore the format may shift slightly as you assist them through NVC. So, if you’re guiding your child through, this is how it could look.

"I notice that you haven't finished your project (observation).

Are you feeling frustrated? (feeling)" If the answer is yes, you might bring up your own feeling and propose an action. ”Well, I can see how you feel that way, I’m frustrated, too.

Hey, what do you need here? Or how can I help?” (need) 

“Can we reach out to Dr. P for guidance?” Or perhaps, "what do you think you can do to get yourself back on track?”

So Now What?

Now you try it. If this approach is something completely new, keep the model handy. Grab a friend or your partner and practice first. Please know that you may fail miserably, as you practice and try to use it with your spouse, your children or child’s teacher. Don’t blame, just take a deep breath and try again. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help you navigate open communication.

About the Author, Hope Mirlis:

Hope is a wedding officiant, premarital counselor and offers a wedding yoga practice, all through her company, A More Perfect Union. She is a scoop of educator, a sprinkle of performer, a dash of administrator and a whole lot of positive, nurturing energy. 

After growing up in New York, Hope moved down south to Atlanta, then hopped over to Northern California. After a classmate asked her to officiate her wedding, Hope stepped into her true calling. Over the next 2 years, she created a premarital counseling program and moved back to her home base of New York. Hope  is a registered NYC Wedding Officiant, an Ordained Interfaith Minister, a Certified Yoga Instructor and has been working with couples across the country since 2009.